I am one of those people who just fantasises about life. But because I’ve had it slap me in the face a bunch of times, it’s evolved into fantasies that I know won’t happen. I can daydream all I want because I have this firm voice in the back of my head saying not to invest emotionally into plans for the future because nothing ever turns out like you want it to.
The result is a lovely collection of daydreams that I don’t commit to or ever expect to happen. I came to think this was quite freeing but my partner hates it, and I can see why. It means I don’t believe in any future in which I am happy and part of me has this feeling that I’ll die before anything good happens. I know it’s a bit weird, and trust me, it’s hard trying to put these jumbled odd thoughts into words but there you go.
It’s for this reason that I’ve not yet allowed myself to think about graduating or even going traveling in September with my partner. Those don’t feel like things that would happen to me, so my brains dumped them in with my other fantasies – like getting married or living in a castle made of chocolate.
I think other people think I’m like this (i.e. not planning properly for trips or life things) because I don’t care or I like doing things last minute, but the truth is a lot weirder as you now know. I just don’t believe it is going to happen until it is happening…
I think this might also be why I get anxious sometimes. I don’t prepare myself for big occasions or events, and then I panic. Of course, the anxiety doesn’t just stem from that (it’s more complex and involves how awkward I think I am) but I think this is definitely a factor.
It also explains how spontaneous I am. My favourite kind of trips are last minute ones, and I quite like making spontaneous decisions (like my spontaneous tattoo, woo).
Well, I guess I’ve been trying to put all these abstract feelings into words because i genuinely want to know if anyone else feels like this (or if I truly am some weirdo with an odd way of dealing with let downs). I’d also love to hear how other people deal with life and planning for the future. Let me know, because I am super interested. I probably need to work on my brain a bit more, but I suppose that’s how life works.